Title is self-explanatory. I was not laid off today, but the whole situation has flicked some weird off-switch in my brain.

I feel incredibly guilty that I was kept over others who got laid off — obviously I know I have no part in those kinds of decisions, but I feel awful going to work, and covering their shifts, now knowing that they were offered shitty severance packages in exchange for their multiple years of hard work.

I have no motivation to execute anything well. When customers came in today after I learned about the lay offs, I felt no motivation to smile when they came in. No motivation to refold that shirt they just messed up so it looks good for the next person. No motivation to have authentic, human conversations at work because I was just jarred into the full understanding that I am nothing but a number on an expense report, and anyone could come and throw the years of hard work ive put into my store away in a second.

I feel awful for my teammates who were laid off today — and jaded at the fact that this means I, as a manager, will have to take more onto my plate to makeup for these losses. More time away from my family during the holidays, more time away from my partner which was already limited, and more time away from my schoolwork, which means more late nights and more inevitable mental health crises.

Anyone who’s maybe dealt with mass lay offs in the past or with different companies, is it normal to feel this way?? to feel just awful even though you were one of the ones kept? I just look around and think about every training video that talks about how “vans is a people company,” or how being an employee is like “being apart of the family” and I want to vomit because it is just so corporate garbage.